Very bad feeling.....depression

What does it mean Postnatal Depression?  It is a form of clinical depression which can affect women, and less frequently men, typically after childbirth. I think I had this illness after few months.

My baby Ann now already 6 months old and I still not able to cope the enjoyable and beautiful growing stage. M been worry and been dreadful for the last few months. I try not to admit that M having a terrible symptoms as depression. I keep telling myself I can cope it. I want to give my baby all the best. But when come to face my in-law, supprisingly my pressure getting heavier. I try to control and deal with it but it seem like getting worse.

It all happen when M move back to my in-law house. I keep telling my in-law do not spoilt Ann but she seem like not responding to my words. I know she love my baby very much but it doesn't mean she can keep spoilting her. I don't want in future I have to use rotan to guide her. I just want my baby to be discipline at her age and not crying for things. This is not cute at all when she is crying for things or cry unreasonable just to get attention.

At Ann 2 months old, my in-law already wanted to bring her to Cameron Highland whereby M not agree. But what can I say, it was her birthday and everyone celebrating. That was my hardest day ever. Sit in the car whole day had causing my Ann Ann not feeling well and crying non stop making me feel so frustrated. I was so regret to follow them to Cameron. Y can't they think for Ann Ann? Isn't it too early for Ann Ann to travel so far at her age? M so worry that she will catch cold, she not willing to drink milk and I have to keep my smiling face. Oh My...y I have to face such a pressure.

At Ann 3 months old, I went to have pap-smear test end up the result shown "abnormal cell found". I was so in terrible feeling and felt so miss my baby. I keep having negative thought and I having a dreadful week before I went for another check-up. Again, I felt so angry and miserable at that time. M having a nap wif my baby Ann beside me. When m awake, I didn't saw my baby. I was so in terrified feeling looking for my baby wonder did I accidently kick or push her down the bed. M search the room, she not in the room and I quickly went out to the living room and found out my husband busy with his game. I was so angry at that time and ask him where is my baby. He told me baby is sleeping at in-law room. Y they keep seperating me from my baby? Y they didn't let my baby back to my side even she fall asleep? Y they must let my baby sleep at grandma room and not wif mother. Don't they know this kind of action will cause new mom having negative thought. This already make me feel insecure in that house. I keep having the feeling that my in-law want to take my baby away from me.

At Ann 4 months, after her vaccine, she having trouble drinking milk. I believe most of the baby having the same influence. But I still need to let her drink the milk no matter how she reject because I don't want to see her fall ill. That had make her more furious shaking her head and crying out loud. My in-law came in my room and force to carry away my baby from my arm. Do u know how I felt? Again, she take away my baby away from me. If she not agree with me, she can actully stop me from forcing and not force to carry my baby from my arm. I followed her to the living room and she yelled at me and caused baby in a terrible situation. My in-law scold me and say never seen a mom treat baby like that and say want to sue me for torturing baby. At that time, I don't really care what she say. I just want back my baby cause she was crying very loud and in a terrified. In my mind, I just want to leave this house.

After all these incident, V decided to move out. And my in-law expect me to forget everything happen at the house and how they treat me. I been having a terrible life for few months and never thought of telling anyone bout it. But I can't. I just can't let it be. Even I have move out, even now m away from them, I still having fresh memory in my mind. It keep playing at night and had caused me not able to sleep well. And I realise It getting worse. And now M having negative thought. I keep thinking "what if like this and what if like that?"

I try to talk to my husband and he just don't realise how serious is it. He keep throwing me question whereby M hoping him to give me solution. He increase my nerves and I don't have any patient towards him. M even lost my feeling towards him and started to blame him on all this. I ask him to work out on our relationship but he just don't know how to look for any solution. M I that difficult to handle or just because I never let him had a hard day like other girls do.

I admit M over towards my baby. But I just want her to b more independant and child should have a proper guide and not over spoilt. If Ann over spoilt, no one will admit is their fault and they will point their finger on me. And y should I have all their guilt when I try to guide her the proper way. This is not fair to me and Ann Ann.